I'M CUTE! I'M FINE! I'M EVERYTHING YOU WANT! I'M GAY! I'M TAKEN! I'M EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!

i am back to give an update. lol.

kinda forgot bout this place but i needed it.

my head has been f&*$&$%^ up lately nd blah..

 

well dis weekend is the bf nd i's 1 yr anniversary. wow.

i know. i dnt know how i stayed in it for so long. but think i love him?

we moved into our own apt september 16.. =] it's going awesome. love the place.

 

i dnt know what i'm gettin him, cuz i'm always gettn him shit anyways, so iono.

blah. plus i been kinda broke lately but should be startin my other job soon yay!! =]

 

anywho. will be going to the doc soon to get my brain checked out nd see a couple specialists.

something aint right up there. lol. ya know. upstairs. i'm dying but eh, lived a good life nd experienced everything so can't complain.

 

i shall be writing more now since i have internet at the apt. so i gotta go cuz at work nd bout to be off soon.

muahz.

 

-teddy.

Iono. I'm confused about alot of things. I'm running in circles and I'm starting to hate myself. I'm going through so much and seems like noone understands me. I love him. He loves me. But.. ???

 

Something is not rite, and I sense it. I'm good at figuring out things but these days, everything is so blurred.

lol. yu suk! booo... get off the phone!

well... dnt read too too much. think yu read jus bout everything..

well g'night journal. update ya later today..
me needs sleep..

muahz.

-teddy.

ok so now i have some predicaments that i'm not sure how i'm going to get out of them...
i know nick has to go, nd i know i have to get on my feet nd me moving out is not an option. or well, it can be but i dnt want to seem like i failed on living on my own cuz i know i can make it. it's just alot of things are going on right now and things are harder than when i was by myself.. nick has stayed wit me for months already nd it's taking a toll on me. I can't do it no more and he had a job but than lost it after a few weeks but never realli gave me anything. Well wasn't realli a few weeks more like 3 nd they kept his first cheack, his second check, was onli 200 dollars nd he spent that in 2 days nd  by the time his third check could come in, he had already quit. Ugh. i'll write more later, i dnt feel like writing anymore. i'm going crazy. 

i wish i could go back.. to that day back in high school. when everything was perfect. when my life wasn't so hard. go back to before when i never hurt. I had support.. i had help. i had "friends"... had no worries. everything has changed. I wish, still yrs later that i had that senior yr i was promised.

but nothing will ever bring back everything that happened... guess life just goes on... but it's hard sometimes.. well, most of the time...

it sucks to even look back nd see how the school has grown nd makes me wish i could go back nd be a part of that. be a part of SOMETHING.. i'm tired of being the one that was a part of mr. gaona being gone.. the back bone of north shore. gone. it's depressing.

i know i always write bout this but i can't help it.. i'm just depresssed i guess?? dunno. never stayed on my medicine like i should've. times, i just feel, things will never get better. it's been forever since the last time i wasn't thinkin bout anything.. of my past that is. the 3rd yr anniversary will be here soon, nd

ok so i had always talked to this one guy... we've texted here nd there.. nd he's been there even when i was wit my ex. we never met. we never hung out. nothing.

things changed after my surgery. i became single back in july nd i was single for weeks nd weeks. we decided it was time for us to finally meet after so long. one night, we did. ah, i still remember what i was feeling. my heart racing. he gets here, it's cold outside, nd he just see's me, than we come to "our" room. ha ha. nd lay in bed. ah, nd i was so dam nervous. he was so dam cute. lol. like wow. he stayed the night but had to leave hrs later at 7am to take his mom's car back.

since than we've been like, i dunno... crazy for each other. later that day, we ended up getting together. I just feel so good wit him. i feel like my worries are all gone. i could spend, if i had it, all the money in the world on him, nd would never think of going broke. i'm falling for this boi nd am scared. I know he's a good guy nd is still in the closet, nd hasn't been wit alot of ppl nd has a good head on his shoulders nd i CAN trust him. lol. nd i can feel it. unlike all my other stupid ass ex's that i couldn't trust for shit.

today he came over for the weekend cuz he's on "vacation in san antonio" lol.. nd he's asleep right now. we went to the movies, nd saw "saw v" lol.. nd poor bby he was soo tired. i was too but eh. I ended up waking up.

well i'll write more later. i'm gonna watch me some tv. =]

Ok, well lets just say this is when i make it official that i will never nd dnt ever wanna be wit Nick... it kinda sucks always being the 3rd wheel wit this boi nd to bring his ex over nd when talk after talk would never believe that they would fuck, suck or whatever the hell they did.. just pisses me off that they were going to "bed" nd all this other bull shit, yet, yu hear the door lock and than mins later everything is like as if they weren't going to sleep.. I come back up from my front door wit his ex in the rr, "cleaning up" and him fixin himself something to eat. Than makes me more mad that he wants to claim that this was "payback"... ugh. am just super mad nd whatever. I don't care no more. But grrr, I dunno what to think no more bout everything.. I don't even know what to think bout this dude anymore OR any dudes anymore. Like living wit someone that says he's "single" nd can do whatever, i understand but it's just all different when yu keep bringing yur ex nd keep fuckn him while he already has a bf. I just don't think none of it is right. I may be wrong or i may not.. but just grr. Write more in a bit. 

man.. ugh am feelin so many different emotions right now nd grrr... but i think it's only best that i start to get over him. I think nd have this feeling that am just wasting my time... grrr.

but than again, i feel that i have to hold onto what i want nd work for what i want, but ugh, grrr. lol. i know am "grrr" alot but eh... can't help it.. nd i can't help what am feeling...

nd i just found out that he was wit his ex angelo earlier today while i was work nd i was right bout what i was feeling nd it just sucks to know that they fucked in ma own apartment nd just kinda hit me hard nd i just dont know what to do.. i mean we are just friends too, like not even dating or nothing. it kinda sucks liking someone that doesn't even see yu i guess but the other night i told him how i felt, nd we kinda talked it out nd we just "companions" but that's not what i want! lol...

ugh nd as he lays here, i just wanna hug nd kiss him... nd i want him to be the one to kiss me. UGH.

write more later.

he thinks i'm an idiot..
thinks i didn't read the emails....
thinks i didn't hear anyone in the background when i said "bye"
i knew someone was here...

yu cheated on me behind my back
and think your gonna get away wit it...

(black3houston)
a 35 yr old. 6'2. african american. top. 8.5''.

I feel like shit right now and i'm trying my best to hold everything in but it's gettin harder and harder..
I told my aunt bout everything and she just told me to just be careful.. and said to tell his mom bout the rifle incident when she gets back so that she can put them up.

Ugh. i feel like just beating his ass right now... :/  i stayed online from the time he got on 7pm.. to the time of the very last message from that dude.. at 3:59a.m.

His voice is annoying.. I just wanna sleep and have him out of my life... i'm tired of it.. I'm tired of everything..

Nd this the time i tell him everything. So I'll be back later... I'm going home where he's away from the rifles... so yup.. i don't wanna die yet. lol..

Pray for me people. I don't know how this is going to go..

[[xoxo]]

I am thinking bout my life... :/