I'M CUTE! I'M FINE! I'M EVERYTHING YOU WANT! I'M GAY! I'M TAKEN! I'M EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!

he thinks i'm an idiot..
thinks i didn't read the emails....
thinks i didn't hear anyone in the background when i said "bye"
i knew someone was here...

yu cheated on me behind my back
and think your gonna get away wit it...

(black3houston)
a 35 yr old. 6'2. african american. top. 8.5''.

I feel like shit right now and i'm trying my best to hold everything in but it's gettin harder and harder..
I told my aunt bout everything and she just told me to just be careful.. and said to tell his mom bout the rifle incident when she gets back so that she can put them up.

Ugh. i feel like just beating his ass right now... :/  i stayed online from the time he got on 7pm.. to the time of the very last message from that dude.. at 3:59a.m.

His voice is annoying.. I just wanna sleep and have him out of my life... i'm tired of it.. I'm tired of everything..

Nd this the time i tell him everything. So I'll be back later... I'm going home where he's away from the rifles... so yup.. i don't wanna die yet. lol..

Pray for me people. I don't know how this is going to go..

[[xoxo]]

I am thinking bout my life... :/

Yes your cute, sexcii, nd have a hot body, a bottom nd everything i ever wanted, BUT.. the attitude, the games, the hyprocricy.. just throws all that other shit out the window.

I come home 2 days later from work, your knocked out on the couch, wit the phone hanging off, nd of course, i can't resist but too look. What do i find? Text messages nd messages of you "missing" someone nd wanting to "be wit them".. not "now" but "later on".. hmmm.. makes me wonder why I'm even wit you if you don't even see yourself wit me "forever" like you claim.

I should've known a long time what kind of person you were. And you think am scared of you tearing up my shit, or doing whatever, but let me tell you something.. fuck wit my shit, I fuck wit yours! Not just your stuff.. but your familys shit. Don't play wit me, i'll fuck up the house, Oscars' car, your mom's car nd whatever else comes in my way. YOU can "do" damage, well, so can i. Don't underestimate me. I'll fuck you up.. nd i don't play alone! Remember that. You don't know noone in h-town! So do what you please, but i promise you, you'll fuckin regret it bitch!

Lie to me once, try nd play me, i fuck you up. I won't right away, but gimme time, nd in time, it'd bite you so fuckin hard in the ass you wouldn't know what the fuck hit you.

ugh, I can't fuckin stand liars, nd obviously am pissed.. but ugh. I just don't know what to think. Ya know, like I work my ass off, nd away from home, nd he wants me to trust him, YET, i see that shit on his phone.. wanting other guys nd "meeting up" wit other guys.. recieving dick pics from other guys nd shit is just ugh. I already know i have to leave him, but it's just a matter of time, I'm gonna surprise him later on today nd wait till he tells me what he has to tell me first before I say anything. I wanna see what I waited all day for him to tell me.

So now once again am the stupid one, the dumbass.. the idiot for even being wit him still. I know in my last entry i was talkin bout not caring or none of that shit, but damn, i never knew i could tell the damn future.. lol.. ugh. But I DO care! I DO give a fuck.. nd it DOES fuckin hurt. I feel like just running away fo sho. Am half way there.. already moved out of the house, "home".. nd once i end it wit Marcas, I than have to get out of here.. find out where to stay. :/ nd figure out where i can live on my own.

It was a long, very dreadful day nd i couldn't stop thinking.. Am ALWAYS thinkn bout shit when am wit Marcas, i don't know why.. but well, i dunno.. am too tired too write, but i ended up crying forever nd its a really really loooong story but will write more tonight...

but it has to do wit all that shit that happened in high school, past shit, nd current.. nd well just alot of shit.. will write more later. am tired.. it's late.. nd my baby is asleep nd i wanna dream wit him. :/

so night!

than oh well.. i don't really care no more. I could care less what happens in my life right now. Everything is just ugh.. I dunno, out of place.. I can't say i don't trust marcas, yet i can't say i do..  i don't know.

I don't care. Nd oh well.

Guess i AM moving to san diego.. seems like i have no choice. I want too but yet i don't. I never been away from my family.. but still feels like i don't have a family anyways.. but still.. although am mad at them or whatever i am wit them i don't wanna be so far..

It's like am leaving everything for this dude.. nd am afriad to make the mistake of leaving nd having to come back later on heartbroken nd mad at myself for not listening to adam nd staying. Adam told me, when he came yesterday.. or whenever, that he didn't trust Marcas for me.. but i dunno.. I dunno what to think anymore. Am tired of thinking. I'm over analyzing everything nd am tired.

I don't wanna loose my job.. am already out of class, so that isn't much to try nd get over but my job.. damn. I don't know if am making the right decision to leave wit this boy.. he's been doin some things that are making me double think everything.. like his lil lies just bout the smallest things... makes me wonder what bigger things he'd lie to me bout or hide from me. :/

Ugh.. I dunno.. am afriad to really fall for him nd love him, but it's hard when I can't even keep my guard up. Am stupid.. nd now i see why all these guys have called me stupid. I see it now.. :/ am vulnerable. I am so happy. And i don't want to loose this feeling, yet i wanna leave.. be alone again. Be alone where i can't get hurt.. I'd rather hurt nd cry nd be lonely, than hurt nd cry wit a broken heart again.

I am feeling like shit.

and am the stupid one!!
I don't know why and should've known from the beginning what i was gettin into...
but no.. I was looking for love. Thought I had found love. But once again, a broken heart.

I feel better shitty, lost, out of place... distorted. Feels like I have noone. Feels like my family is gone.
Am loosing the one I thought I loved. Well, the one I thought loved ME. I don't know what to do.

I just wanna take off in my car and wreck. See how easy it is to take my life away. Am really tired of all this bull shit. I can only take so much. And it's gettin to the point where i don't give a fuck bout life no more. I just want it all to end. The heartbreak. The lies. The games. I know it's life and it's just how life goes, but fuck! I can't be dealing wit all this shit at the same time. I already feel homeless.. nd once i put my shit in the car, nd find my car keys am gone.
v
And we'll see from there what happens to me. I know for sure I will NOT.. NEVER ever go back home. I already had to stop going to class. I still need 5 surgeries THAN some other shit.. ugh.. feels like it'll be forever until am back to normal.. nd now wit this shit..

I went to visit my mom and lil bro yesterday and it felt weird. good. but weird.. As soon as i got into my mom's room, she told me to go to her nd give her a hug.. nd i did.. nd it was a long hug. Hugged her as she was layin down. She got up to show me her garden in the backyard nd her new water fountain, nd rene's new dogs. They got a new refrigerator and a new washer. She said everything was going out so had to get a new everything.

I kinda missed being at home, but at the same time. I didn't. It felt good just going to visit and leaving to go to work, than home to my baby. Love it.

I should nd need to go visit alot more tho.. I could tell my lil bro really did miss me. And my sister saw me nd hugged me too very tightly.. i was like aww. but yup. Am visit alot more.

OH! nd I was shocked cuz she, well noone mentioned nothing bout money! I was amazed.. I was waiting for someone to say something cuz than I would've left.. but yuh.. that enuff bout that.. i think me nd marcas will be moving to san diego cuz i guess i told his aunt everything that night i was drunk but whatever. ugh. wasn't my fault.. :/

but things happen. oh well.

Ugh.. liars liars liars.. i hate liars... nd that's all that Marcas does.. ugh.. it's annoying.. it's the little things that bug the hell out of me nd the little things that he lies bout... makes me wonder what he would really lie about... makes me not wanna be wit him.. for real.. yet, i want to cuz am happy.. at times.. when he isn't acting stupid..

I dunno... but i cried on my way to work earlier today.. Marcas had made me super mad nd sad before me leaving nd i guess i just lost it on my way to work.. started thinkin bout if i left him, or if he left me nd how fucked up my world would be. It's like as if he's all i have left since i don't live at home no more.. nd ugh.. started thinkin bout my mom and knowin how much she misses me.. nd how much i know it wasn't her fault for me moving out but roberts fault.. Everything is cuz of Robert nd i just want him gone. ugh..

But I stopped by "home" earlier today nd it felt weird.. things looked weird.. nd my room was fucked up.. my room wasn't, "my room" anymore.. it was infested wit david and other shit. ugh. was nasty.. makes me not want to touch anything.. my room used to be so nice nd clean, nd clean smelling.. yet david or whomever has it lookin and smellin like shit. Kitchen has a new refrigerator.. nice nice.. laundry room has a new washer, nice nice.. it's obvious that they didn't need my lil 180 anyways.. ugh.